Lesson 25: Continual Reflection

As I have progressed into my thirties, I have noticed that more and more of my friends and acquaintances have really developed their opinions about important and serious matters, while I have mostly sat on the sidelines, feeding into my non-confrontational nature by avoiding posting anything on social media that would render any backlash. Also, it's like people-watching on the internet level: I just want to see what others have to say about whatever it is and read the debates that stem from it. I consider myself to be somewhat politically apathetic, despite others having stressed the importance of keeping up with what is going on around me and knowing where I stand. It's like people who are smokers, and they know how terrible it is for them, but they continue anyway. Or people who make unhealthy food choices to where it significantly affects their weight and overall well being, but continue to make the same life choices. We all know it's bad, and sometimes what other people say to change it serves as an extra push to change, but sometimes we really couldn't give less of a fuck what everyone else says. It's a fine line... depending on who the "advice" is coming from and how it's presented.

Luckily, my fiance enjoys constantly educating himself on local, national, and world news and so if there is something I need to know, he will gladly present it to me. I think he tries to keep it objective when relaying the information and gives me his opinion on it afterwards... but being the more naive one on this matter, I don't really know if it's making me more liberal than I would be if he hadn't told me. (Side note: Facebook has a setting on your political affiliation based on your activity. Mine is moderate. His is apparently very liberal, lol.) He says that his reason behind constantly reading his CNN & NPR news apps is that he wants to remember all the big events that go on in his lifetime and generation; to know that he was a part of it. He wants to remember not only the importance of very notable events (e.g. 9/11, when Obama was elected as our first black president, when gay marriage became legal, etc.), but also the small events that had led up to these momentous points in history. Although we have addressed our differences, he has never pushed me to agree and take action on the same level as he does.

But I guess he doesn't really have to. He does have a point, and I already look up to him, so his actions alone are enough to shake my normal thought processes and take at least a small step to relieve some of my ignorance.

The main reason for my post is to reflect on my own perspectives up to this point in my life as a 34 year old American female with Filipino roots. Throughout the years, people are constantly picking up new information on the same overarching topics. So something I could have believed in college could have now changed after being exposed to different scenarios or any new information that has refined that viewpoint into what it is now. Maybe 10 years from now, my perspective on this same topic could change again. This is kind of a benchmark post to see what any differences are whenever I come back to it. Also, writing has always been a solace for me; a place I can organize all my thoughts into coherent paragraphs rather than just speaking nonsense or in circles. Yeah, it's public, but seriously, ain't nobody gonna read my shit anyways, lol.

Legalization of Marijuana

This is a topic I have struggled with over the last maybe 5 years or so. Growing up with a strict Catholic mother, "drugs" were always "bad." In elementary school, D.A.R.E. taught us "drugs are bad." Generally speaking, yes, I still agree. Heroin, cocaine, meth... that shit will fuck you up and is completely unnecessary. For most of my adult life, I have put weed into that same category, and it was the thing sucked out all the ambition from those potheads in high school who just grew up to be deadbeats. At least, that is what was in my head. Don't smoke weed. Drugs are bad, mmkay.

My last ex-boyfriend smoked pot pretty regularly... maybe 2-3 times per week. He didn't tell me until a few months into the relationship because he "didn't know how I would react." I was not okay with it. It's illegal here, for crying out loud. It was almost a deal breaker. He compromised and just said he would never do it around me. I wasn't really okay with that either, but I couldn't force him to do something he didn't want to, so we just didn't talk about it much from there on out. His close friend smoked, too and was 100% for the legalization of it. Anyway, we broke up.

It was that relationship though that really opened my eyes as to how common it was. But no one I knew had ever openly admitted to me that they smoked probably because either (1) I didn't hang out with many people who did, or (2) they could just tell I was pretty much a goody-goody and decided it was better to leave that little detail out.

Since then, I have revisited the topic of marijuana multiple times, and turns out that it is a very unique substance. The chemicals contained in the cannabis plant do not necessarily need to be modified in a lab to provide the desired effect, but the "desired effect" can be either straight euphoria, or a treatment for insomnia, anxiety, PTSD, epilepsy... among other things. As a pharmacist, I took a few CE credits on new information about cannabis and found it interesting that pharmacists in Colorado have consulted colleagues and patients on various dosages and dosage forms to treat specific medical ailments. On the contrary, the CEs also talked about what dosage forms may NOT be appropriate for treating certain conditions.

Another thing that I find interesting is that there are no reported deaths due to cannabis alone. That is not to say you will never go to the ER for supportive treatment, but so far, reports from the DEA and drugabuse.gov show that there are no confirmed reports to date.

With alcohol being legal -- despite numerous deaths from alcohol alone, and long-term consequences such as liver failure -- it made me think about why cannabis was ever made illegal in the first place. Apparently it was just a part of a political agenda and lumped in with all the other drugs.

With all this being said, all reasoning would point to me turning a complete 180 and say yes, I accept that marijuana should be legalized, and I accept that it is okay for people I know and love to use it recreationally because I don't need to worry about it killing them. However, when it comes down to actually seeing someone I really care about smoking a joint, I can't accept it at all. The mentality that this is still an illegal substance where I live and that it should not be used is so deeply ingrained in me that I have not been able to overcome it. I want my emotions to be consistent with my reasoning, but no matter how many times I have been exposed to a situation where I come close to seeing someone I love in the act of smoking weed, I immediately break down and become angry, betrayed, and alone in how I feel.

To be continued...
Abortion
Education
Guns

Lesson 24: Intentions and Actions

I read somewhere once a list of things you need to know as an adult, and one of those things said something along the lines of, "As an adult, intentions don't matter. Actions are more important." I cannot come up with enough instances where that holds true. If you've been meaning to do something, what is stopping you from doing it right now? If you are reading this blog, you've got time to do something you've been meaning to do.

It it someone's birthday today, and you haven't said, "Happy birthday" to them yet? Call or text or Facebook the person right now. Or go see them in person. Have you been meaning to work out today? Get up out of your chair and go put on some gym clothes. You're at least one step closer, and once you're done for the day, you're done for the day. Just had a job interview yesterday and didn't mail or email your interviewer a Thank-You letter? Open up your email in a new tab and get to it right now.

As small as these things may be, these actions, left as intentions, could leave you with a disadvantage. So it's your spouse's birthday and even though you had something planned another day, you meant to say "happy birthday" today and forgot? Dog house (especially if your spouse is your wife). You intended to work out today, but you just got too lazy and then you see a picture of your ex on Instagram and he/she has been working out and looks hotter? Damn. And you intended to write a Thank-You letter to your interviewer, but it slipped your mind and you ended up not getting a second interview because your other competitors had the same credentials as you, but did that small extra step? Sucks to lose out on a great opportunity due to something that small. 

Actions shape the perception of a person. A good person can be perceived as not so great because of their actions, even with good intentions. Of course if the series of intentions are consistently not followed up with actions, unfortunately that person is perceived as "a dreamer and not a do-er" or "a bullshitter" or as someone always making empty promises. 

If you've meant to do something big for a long time, like go back to school, start small. If you have to, schedule a time for yourself -- like a couple of hours a week -- to just research colleges, ask questions, figure out your budget, sign up for courses. Eventually you'll just get into the flow of things and before you know it, you'll be done. Going back to Lesson 23, ask yourself, "Will I regret not doing this?" If so, do it, and there isn't a better time than now. Otherwise, you won't want to look back at your life 30 years from now and say, "I meant to go back to school" not have anything to show for it.

Lesson 23: Seize the moment

I'm currently listening to the 90's Pop Hits station on my Pandora and "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" came on just a few minutes ago. Of course I know all the words. That made me think of a time several years ago when I was out with a bunch of friends at a bar with live music and a dance floor: The band played covers all night, and before the next song, they asked if anyone in the audience knew all the words to the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", and to come up to the mic if they did. People around me knew I did, and they urged me to go up there but I didn't because I was too shy to. Instead, some hesitant chick went up there and didn't know half the song. I could've anhihilated that song. When am I ever going to have another opportunity to do that?

It also makes me think of another time earlier this year. I did the Tough Mudder with a team of about 16 people, with me being only one of three girls. At the end right before the last obstacle, which is composed of basically a mud pit and dozens of hanging electrical wires, the announcer stopped the whole team and asked us to all go through it together. Mind you, there were a few hundred family members and friends on both sides of the obstacle shouting in excitement, marking the near-end of achievement and refreshments and showers and rest. The announcer shouted into the mic, "3... 2... 1... GO!" And everyone ran through it... except me. I'm the loser that went around because I'm scared of getting shocked. And that's the last Tough Mudder I ever intend on doing.

Sometimes I let myself down. For times like these, I need to learn to think to myself, "Will I regret not doing this?" If the answer is yes, suck it up and fucking do it. Your fears confine you. Learn to think that it's about the bigger picture, the story of your life, the stories you'll be able to tell and that your friends will be able to tell. It may even prove to yourself that you are capable of so much more than you think.

Many Missed Lessons: Blog revival!

It's been a long time.

I have posted a couple of entries here and there with Google+, but I don't think it'll be the same as what I started here. I've decided that this is a good theme for an ongoing blog and that it's time for a revival. I can't promise that there will be daily posts, but writing has always been therapeutic for me and after a long hiatus, it's time to come back.

Since my last post, here are some major events that have happened in my life (not necessarily in chronological order):

• Graduated from pharmacy school
• Completed a 1-year General Practice Residency at Mayo Clinic
• Obtained a full-time position as Assistant Pharmacy Manager at a well-known and respected local grocery chain
• Got out of a 7-year relationship and recently ended a 2.5-year relationship
• Moved out into an apartment for a year
• Moved out of the apartment and bought a house
• Bought a new car (2014 Mazda CX-5)
• Ran my first half-marathon in Vegas and raised money for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America
• Visited family in the Philippines
• Started attending a rapidly growing non-denominational church

I can't tell you how many lessons I've learned since then, and I know that I have changed and matured since the last time anything was posted. But my most recent lesson has been this: My accomplishments have merely been steps towards living the American Dream, but I still do not feel fulfilled. I know that I am capable of doing almost anything I want, as long as I put effort into it. When I set a goal, I can usually reach it. I have proved it to myself time and time again. But I just move onto the next thing, then the next thing and the next... and now I feel like I am here right where I need to be, but something is still missing. That's when I asked myself, Is it God?

 

That is one of the reasons why I have looked back into going to church, hoping to seek those answers. I have been attending this new church for a few months now, but have yet to join a disciple group or become active. I grew up Catholic and this is still new to me... but I am open to new experiences-- just scared to push myself right over the edge into them. I am hopeful and doubtful at the same time... I know God doesn't disappoint, but I can't shake the feeling that he will until something happens.

When you're younger, it's easier to make connections. You've got school, work, extracurricular activities, hobbies. Young people generally seem more willing to meet new people or try new things. At my age now, people are more interested in cultivating the relationships that they have already established, but I am still willing to make new connections. I hold dear to the friends that I have kept in touch with over several years, but it's different now. We grow and sometimes have less in common than what we used to. People move away, start a new job somewhere, join the military. I remember being able to call people at 3am if I wanted/needed to, but now people have to get up early, go to work, take the kids to school. It gets lonely sometimes. 

But they say you are where you are because of you and the choices you make. I find that mostly true. I guess the only solution would be to keep moving, keep opening up opportunities to make new connections and experience new things. Hopefully I can find something that will make everything worthwhile.

Lesson 22: Communication across age groups

As we progress through life, often times we forget what it was like during a previous stage. I find that to be what makes it difficult speaking to people who aren't in your age group. When you're older, you want younger people to know what you know; to see it how you see it; but communicating that information usually comes out as a lecture that the recipient doesn't care to hear. It works the other way around as well: younger people usually don't understand why parents have certain rules.

A recent example of this happened just a few weeks ago when a friend of mine told me she was never going to "brag" about her kids. She said this because lately, other parents have been comparing her to their kids and their accomplishments and she ends up annoyed and does not want to be "that" parent when she gets older. I understand how irritating it can be when a parent says to me, "My daughter was valedictorian. What about you?" But part of being a parent is also being proud of your children's accomplishments, although it does not necessarily encompass blatant comparisons to other children. Every parent goes through that stage of showing everyone the video of their baby's first steps, their daughter or son winning this or that, getting into whatever college, etc. Even though a lot of people don't give a shit, you just want people to be happy for you for the most part. I don't think my friend sees it that way. Not yet, at least.

I can see how frustrating it will be for me as a parent trying to convey life lessons to a fresh palette. But I guess part of life is experiencing those lessons yourself instead of merely hearing about them.

I will always admire the people who can effectively communicate with people across different age groups. I know it's something I will always have to be conscious of in order for me to become that person.

Lesson 21: ?

On an angry note:
People don't have shitty characters because of their wrongdoings; people have shitty characters because they don't admit them.


On a contemplative note:
Ever notice that the word "ass," when used by itself, is a noun... but when you use it after an adjective, it becomes part of that adjective, usually to say something derogatory?

Examples:
"Get your lazy ass over here!"
"Stank ass bitch."
"I don't want your crazy ass mom in my house!"

You could do without saying the word "ass" in most of those sentences, but the addition of it brings a little spice to the sentence and gives you a little more insight as to how the person really feels about what they're saying. That is... unless they use profanity as part of their normal, everyday vocabulary.



Oldie but goodie.

Lesson 20: From School to Practice

It's weird to see my brother weak. It does hurt, but I try not to dwell on it and have it plastered and glowing all over my whole body like my mom does. Save some face in front of people in the hospital, jeez. Doesn't make things any better for anyone.

So apparently my brother is experiencing an exacerbation of his ulcerative colitis: a condition in which your colon/rectum is inflamed, which causes you to have uncontrollable, frequent diarrhea. He's had a high fever over the past weekend, with abdominal cramps that are 8-10 on the pain scale, and an extremely bothersome stiff neck. When he told me the other day he had a stiff neck, I immediately asked him if he was sensitive to light and he said no. Hallmark symptoms of meningitis: fever, nuchal rigidity (stiff neck), and photophobia. After that, I had doubts that it was meningitis because usually the symptoms appear suddenly within 24 hours and the neck thing was probably caused by him lying down on his pillows for the whole weekend.

At the hospital, I watched and listened to the doctor interviewing my brother about what was going on. It was interesting to watch because we've basically been learning these interview techniques for the past year. He asked the pain scale -- in which we pride ourselves on if we remember -- and after my brother mentioned the stiff neck, the doctor followed with the question, "Do you have any sensitivity to light?" (Point for Cristina!) Then as my brother started to describe in detail how his neck felt, with tightened muscles that went from the back of his head, down his neck and across part of the back of his shoulders, I whispered under my breath, "Tension headache." When the doctor gathered the information, he told my brother that he was assessing for meningitis but he doesn't think that's what it is, and that he wasn't too worried about the neck stuff because it's probably just a tension headache (2 points!!!!!!) due to stress. After some other information was exchanged, the doctor stepped out of the room and I said, I SO SMART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST PHARMACIST EVAAARRR!!!!!!!!!1

In my head, of course.

Dude, I don't know why it's such a good feeling to me when I experience the applicability of things we learn in school to real life. So valuable. I love it.