Lesson 18: Working in groups

This past week has been a wild one so far. Lately it seems I've been having more of those, especially from the start of my 3rd year of pharmacy school. We've had an enormous increase of exposure to working in groups this semester, and through this, I've learned a lot more about myself and how to work with people.

I generally think of myself as someone who is quite passive when it comes to being in groups, usually accepting the ideas of others. My last and current group really tested my skills in that area. The last group I was involved in consisted of members that I intuitively did not trust because I perceived them as "slackers," although I tried -- at first -- to not let that judgment get in the way of being able to work as a team. I discovered that one of my group members did not contribute at all to the job he was entitled to doing, so I was the one who took initiative to pick up his slack. We had to stick with our same group working on two different assigned cases, and with the second case, I did not trust that my group would do the amount of work that I thought was sufficient to get the grade that I wanted, so I took it upon myself to do most of the work for them. We all knew in the back of our heads that I was doing this because I did not trust them to do it, so during the evaluations, I don't really know what kind of score they gave me, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was low because of this.

My current group turned out to be quite the opposite; karma came around and kicked my ass. One of our group members basically took upon the same role I did in the previous group, although I believe she was much more controlling... but who knows; I could be biased. All of our group members complained behind her back about how insignificant it was to argue over the words "can" and "proposed," how she seemed to never accept others' ideas unless it was her own, and how she constantly changed the parameters of our project when we thought we had already come to a consensus. I was extremely stressed out about this and I finally took it upon myself to write an email to her on behalf of the group, which at first, she did not take very well. I consulted with others before I sent the email to make sure it was not too harsh, and they told me that it actually seemed pretty civil. I replied to her response in a private email, explaining that my previous email was not intended to be taken the way it was and that I was only trying to provide her with constructive criticism. She responded back with thanks and appreciation, wishing that I would've addressed it more nicely in the first place (which I didn't think was harsh at all in the first place), and mentioned that she actually likes me very much and that she is working on bettering herself. She also mentioned that she has respect for people who speak up on behalf of those who can't or won't and that she was actually taken aback that someone had actually stood up to her because that usually doesn't happen... heh.

The one thing she said though that I really took away from it all was this:
"Thank you for speaking up and letting me know how you feel, it says alot about your character"

Since pharmacy school, I have been feeling like my character has been deteriorating somehow, even if it may not be true to the perceptions of others. I feel as though I'm learning how to be fake to people when we are taught how to be empathetic, although I don't want to be that way and I don't want others to think that of me. For my group member to imply that I have a great moral character truly helps assure me that I am still the person I see myself to be... and it makes me feel really good about myself.

[insert feelings of happiness here]

I am a dork. =P But I am happy that I did what I did. Now I know how it feels to be on both sides. I just wish situations like this would always end well.

Lesson 17: My inner thoughts

I've been kinda sad lately. Well... more like disappointed in myself. For one, I'm about to start my 3rd year in pharmacy school and I feel like I should know way more than I do right now. I also feel like I still have to work on some personal issues, like knowing how to say no at work. I grasped it at one point, but then I lost it again... I also feel like I've become way more passive than I used to be. Things that bother me or annoy me, I just brush off and do nothing, but it's still stored in the back of my mind so whenever the problem arises again, there's tension there and I just try to hide it instead of confronting it. It's a horrible habit to develop and I know I need to reverse it... the problem is doing it. They've taught us how to be assertive in school -- why can't I apply it to real life? It's a thin line between being shady/fake and being obnoxious or rude. I've just gotta be honest without disrespecting others.

Well there is one thing I should know and apply to my life: that the truth can hurt sometimes, no matter how much you sugar coat it. I remember in high school, I learned that if there's anyone you have to be 100% honest with, it's yourself. I think maybe that's one thing I've grown to forget. If it bothers me, I can't keep putting it off because everyone knows that suppressed feelings build upon themselves until one day, God knows what you'll do to someone or something. But what do you do when you want to be honest with yourself by telling someone things that bother you about them, but you sacrifice that honesty with yourself by holding it in because you know that person takes easy offense to things? In other words, you don't tell them the truth because you're afraid it might hurt them. That is one issue that has been bothering me for a while now, because even if I begin a statement as, "Look, I'm gonna tell this to you as a friend..." It doesn't matter. Sometimes, I don't think this person gets it. If I'm mad at her, it doesn't mean I want to drop her as a friend. We've known each other long enough not to sabotage the relationship for something petty.

I think that is one issue that needs resolving before I work on issues of my self-esteem. How does my self-esteem, my confidence, start disappearing on its own? The mind is truly a powerful thing, because once I believe I can't do one thing, I start to imagine myself not being able to do other things and from there, it's just a downward spiral. At one point in my life, I believed I could do anything I wanted. What happened to that? I need it back.

I also feel like the things I think about are not as... mature(?) as the rest of my age group. When I was in high school, people told me that I think too much about things, but I loved analyzing situations and talking to people and listening to people, because (not to be cocky) I thought I was a smart cookie and that I was good at that kinda stuff. But it's like once I hit my early 20's, I started plateauing and everyone started to catch up to the things I thought I was more advanced in... then people started surpassing me. I'm back to being a naive little girl.

...Or maybe just think that because I'm mostly comparing myself to about 300 other overachievers, where you need to be an overachieving overachiever to get any honors or recognition.

I have to figure out a way to get back to that. There aren't any other major problems in my life... all the blocks in Maslow's triangle have pretty much been met except the esteem part, then it's off to self-actualization. So the question is: when do I do something about it?

Lesson 16: The harmonious balance between you and the world

I should really write in this thing more often.

I've noticed that as I get older, the harder it is to find people that I am compatible with. Not everyone shares the same values you do or sees things the way you see things. It sucks more when people -- especially friends -- start getting settled into their ways and block out other feedback from the world.

Every year that goes by, I start to accept myself more and more. But as we start accepting ourselves for who we are and care less about what other people think, our perceptions can shift balance from trying to please everyone to standing rigid to anything that comes our way. My goal is to keep both those views balanced throughout my life... taking into consideration what others' thoughts or feelings may be to keep a harmonious and thought-provoking environment, but also being assertive and standing up for what I believe in without disrespecting others.

I have a friend who often chooses to close herself off to things because of assumptions she makes of what they may be like before she even tries it. Staying that way paves a pattern of thinking that she may retain for the rest of her life and it can bore her a hole of ignorance where she can hide away while everything around her changes. I hope one day she can open up her mind and at least try those new things before declining.

Lesson 15: Wise words from a Publix cashier

I went to Publix today on break to buy sushi and potato salad for lunch. The cashier said to me playfully, "Are you gonna eat your salad with chopsticks too?" I told her that I was gonna go grab a fork back at my store. Then I said, "It is kind of a weird combination though." She shrugged and replied, "It's okay. It's what you like!"

Sometimes when I'm driving with my windows down and the music up, I turn it down when I come to a stoplight. It's kind of embarrassing for me to admit, but I do it because the people in the cars near me may not appreciate being obligated to hear the kind of crap I like to listen to. But who cares? As long as I'm not breaking some kind of sound ordinance law or being inconsiderate while driving in a residential area at 3am, it's alright. It's what I like.

I like two waffles in the morning, one with butter, the other with PB&J.

I like Mean Girls.

I like making sure my feet are clean before I go to bed.

I like the smell of prescription prenatal vitamins.

I like talking to animals, even when they are two cars in front of me.

I like the toilet paper roll to face outwards towards me (especially since the roll is on the opposite wall in my bathroom and you have to bend forward far enough already to wipe).

Many times before, I've caught myself tweaking some of the interests I express because I'm around certain people and wonder too much about what they'll think of me. But Missy at Publix put it in such simple terms that I'm absolutely positive she never even stepped across the notion that she'd given someone such wise, thought-provoking advice. I don't think she thought I'd be a weirdo.

Each year you live life, you realize how short it really is. Don't constantly suppress the small things that make you happy because you feel pressured by what someone else thinks.

Embrace your inner weirdness.

Lesson 14: Music makes the world go 'round

Music: the universally understood medium that breaks all social, economic, & cultural barriers. It's known to grasp the deepest parts of the human soul to uplift, depress, inspire... or to even just make you get down witcha bad self. Sometimes the messages and distinct sounds music puts forth can be so powerful that they leave you immersed in a world encompassing that temporary theme. Visions become tangible. Emotions surface. Reality becomes surreal.

For the past month or so, I have been so inspired by music that I delayed my schoolwork just to listen to it. It's amazing how so many different musicians can portray their own interpretation of their feelings or life's circumstances within their songs and make it sound so good. I've always been inclined to write my own, but it's such a difficult task, so it makes such talented musicians all the more inspiring. One thing I know for sure though: music brings me happiness.

Today, a friend came over and we had our first jam session together. He rocked the acoustic guitar while I sang and played the keys. Our goal this summer is to get good enough to do a few open mic nights, then maybe get signed after graduation and work as part-time floater pharmacists and part-time rockstars as we tour the country. =P But for now, we're just focusing on a few covers to get us into the gist of making music. We got through 2 full songs today, and there are a few more we're planning on doing for our practice next week.

It's exciting to finally make good use of a hobby I've had for so long! Hopefully that excitement will be transposed into work and determination so we can produce some awesome results.

Lesson 13: The Secret Motivation

"If you think you can or can't, you're probably right." -- Henry Ford

Last night, I watched a video called "The Secret Motivation." They revealed a secret that was kept for thousands of years among great leaders about the key to a prosperous life. I'm about to tell you that secret right now. The secret is....

The Law of Attraction.

If you believe and feel something is going to happen, it will happen. It's basically a different way of thinking. Thoughts may not be physical things, but they contain energy and attract everything that you experience in your life, whether you think they do or not. How it happens is not a factor-- how it happens is under the control of the universe. It's somewhat related to Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." When I'm late for work, that's when I hit all the red lights, that's when I get stuck behind all of Florida's senior citizens, that's when a damn goose decides to cross the road. Why? Because I keep thinking about what I do NOT want. The universe does not sense that you don't want it. It only senses the negative energy. If you give off negative energy, you attract negative things.

We often talk about things we don't want or don't like in our lives. If you shift your focus from what you don't want to what you DO want, if you think about it all the time, if you envision it, if you believe it, if you feel it, it will eventually come to you. The things you attract and experience are physical manifestations of your thoughts and feelings. We can almost control our entire lives by using our mind and emotions as a magnet to get us to where we want to be.

There are a few guidelines with this new way of thinking:

• The main two things you need are thoughts and feelings. You can't just set a goal and think about it to be able to have it -- you must feel it, you must believe it and envision it like you already have it.
• When you have distractions or things that make you feel bad, surround yourself with something that leaves you feeling good (e.g. relaxing music, a pet). That way, it will reinforce the good feelings and it will keep you focused on what you want.
• Say things in the most positive way possible. Instead of being anti-war, be pro-peace. Instead of not wanting debt, say you want income. Say you want an excellent presentation instead of wanting to not make mistakes.
  
• Things don't come right away, so don't be discouraged when you don't get them instantly.
• Appreciate what you already have every day.
• You must believe that you deserve what you want.

If you really think about this idea, it's pretty much taught in every religion. If you erase the word "universe" and call it "God" instead, then it's Christianity or Judaism. If you're atheist, "universe" is just fine because there is no higher being described in any of it -- it's just undiscovered science. Steve was just telling me he was reading a Bruce Lee book and everything I was telling him about this video is basically what Bruce Lee was teaching in his book.

Another point is... don't define yourself by where you are right now because that's only RIGHT NOW. "Ugh, my girlfriend left me, my boss wants me fired, I'm $7,000 in debt. My life sucks. I'm such a failure." Where you are right at this moment is a result of your old way of thinking. If you change your thinking now and start thinking positively, get your crap together and keep telling yourself that you can get out of this, you WILL get out of it.

I thought about how it related to me and I came to a realization of both negative and positive results:

• Negative: Ever since high school, I didn't want to be a pharmacist. I had such passion for not wanting to be one that I even wrote poems about it in my Creative Writing class, I wrote diary entries about how much I'm not cut out for it... and here I am, about to complete my second year of pharmacy school.
• Positive: For a few weeks, I've been musically inspired. I learned a new song on the piano, I YouTubed many musicians that made me more inclined to sing and play the piano, and deep down I really wanted to show people how much I loved it. Well... two blogs ago, I was unexpectedly signed up for an open mic night for the first time. How awesome is that?

Yeah, all this may sound like a bunch of garbage... hell, I'm still kinda skeptical. I don't understand it all that much. But saying just that ties into itself: if you don't believe it, it won't work. If you do believe it, it will work. But I'll see if I can give it a try.

Maybe you can too.

Lesson 12: First time in the spotlight -- me, the keys, and my voice.

(Taken from my Xanga.)

Tonight was almost a cornerstone in my life.

After our exam, a bunch of my classmates decided to go out to Dick's Wings at Tinseltown. It was open mic night. I enjoy open mic nights just because I like seeing what kind of local talent there is out there. I had to go home first so Gail and I met up with my classmates later. When I got there, Megan greeted me at the door excitedly and said, "I signed you up!"

Oh ffffaaaack.

I went inside and she was a little too eager to show that my name was written on the list, ending with "pianist extraordinaire." Great. They're way too excited now-- I can't let them down. She only knew I was into music after I posted a song on Facebook. I've never formally sung AND played the piano for a live audience before. (If that's considered formal.)

I was pretty much the last performer (out of 5) so the place had almost completely cleared out by the time I was up, so it helped me a little with my nervousness. My friends were giving me encouraging words and saying things like, "Don't worry, you'll do awesome!" which is something we're not supposed to do in Communications class because it gives the other person false hopes. (What does my professor know anyway.) Michael -- I'm guessing the manager -- was very courteous and friendly and came up to me a few times asking what I'll be playing. I told him I was nervous, that "THEY signed me up," and I named a few songs I thought about playing. He asked me if I would feel more comfortable with someone playing drums and bass, and maybe they could adlib a few things to fit my performance. He didn't know how to play any songs I knew, so we both decided it would be best if it was just me and the piano (*GASP*).

I had to play a few notes to warm up, then I went to play my newly-learned song, "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. I messed up once or twice and had to restart, mostly because the keyboard was out of tune. (I still don't understand how a KEYBOARD could be out of tune.) As I played, I warmed up a little to the keys and the mic and I found that it was a little easier to press things and sing things. My band of groupies stood in front of the piano, but I only saw their silhouettes because the spotlight was aimed directly at me.

The song was over before I knew it and I heard my classmates cheer. They wanted an encore and Megan suggested "that Michelle Williams" song, which I translated into "that Vanessa Carlton" song and it figures we were talking about the same thing... lol. My hands almost glided over the keys that time and my voice was a little more at ease.

The last song I played -- which they also encored for -- was, almost embarrassingly, "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid. Don't get me wrong, I love that song-- I just didn't know if it was what the people in the room wanted to hear. But eh, who else was listening anyway?

I would've played it brilliantly if it weren't for those kids and that dog. The damn keyboard tunage was annoying. I kept wondering if my voice was off key, so when I took a breath before the verse, I listened to the keyboard, and when I sung the verse in tune with the notes, it sounded like I was off b/c of a few keys, but I wasn't. I WASN'T, I tell you! It was the keyboard!

We'll see when the video gets back.

After it was all over, my classmates were congratulating me and individually told me how "awesome" I was, which made me feel really good to know that they thought that. My friend Adam was giving me hints that I should be in the band he's trying to get together this summer. I was flattered. Michael came up to me as I was leaving and he told me I did a great job. "Every Thursday night is open mic night, so you're more than welcome to come sign up again." Very nice guy.

Music for me will probably never be more than a hobby because I don't think I have enough talent to actually make it out in the music business, but that's not to say I can't have fun with it. Doing what I did tonight inspires me to try to be better at what I do and it taught me that I have more confidence than what my little mind thinks.