I've been kinda sad lately. Well... more like disappointed in myself. For one, I'm about to start my 3rd year in pharmacy school and I feel like I should know way more than I do right now. I also feel like I still have to work on some personal issues, like knowing how to say no at work. I grasped it at one point, but then I lost it again... I also feel like I've become way more passive than I used to be. Things that bother me or annoy me, I just brush off and do nothing, but it's still stored in the back of my mind so whenever the problem arises again, there's tension there and I just try to hide it instead of confronting it. It's a horrible habit to develop and I know I need to reverse it... the problem is doing it. They've taught us how to be assertive in school -- why can't I apply it to real life? It's a thin line between being shady/fake and being obnoxious or rude. I've just gotta be honest without disrespecting others.
Well there is one thing I should know and apply to my life: that the truth can hurt sometimes, no matter how much you sugar coat it. I remember in high school, I learned that if there's anyone you have to be 100% honest with, it's yourself. I think maybe that's one thing I've grown to forget. If it bothers me, I can't keep putting it off because everyone knows that suppressed feelings build upon themselves until one day, God knows what you'll do to someone or something. But what do you do when you want to be honest with yourself by telling someone things that bother you about them, but you sacrifice that honesty with yourself by holding it in because you know that person takes easy offense to things? In other words, you don't tell them the truth because you're afraid it might hurt them. That is one issue that has been bothering me for a while now, because even if I begin a statement as, "Look, I'm gonna tell this to you as a friend..." It doesn't matter. Sometimes, I don't think this person gets it. If I'm mad at her, it doesn't mean I want to drop her as a friend. We've known each other long enough not to sabotage the relationship for something petty.
I think that is one issue that needs resolving before I work on issues of my self-esteem. How does my self-esteem, my confidence, start disappearing on its own? The mind is truly a powerful thing, because once I believe I can't do one thing, I start to imagine myself not being able to do other things and from there, it's just a downward spiral. At one point in my life, I believed I could do anything I wanted. What happened to that? I need it back.
I also feel like the things I think about are not as... mature(?) as the rest of my age group. When I was in high school, people told me that I think too much about things, but I loved analyzing situations and talking to people and listening to people, because (not to be cocky) I thought I was a smart cookie and that I was good at that kinda stuff. But it's like once I hit my early 20's, I started plateauing and everyone started to catch up to the things I thought I was more advanced in... then people started surpassing me. I'm back to being a naive little girl.
...Or maybe just think that because I'm mostly comparing myself to about 300 other overachievers, where you need to be an overachieving overachiever to get any honors or recognition.
I have to figure out a way to get back to that. There aren't any other major problems in my life... all the blocks in Maslow's triangle have pretty much been met except the esteem part, then it's off to self-actualization. So the question is: when do I do something about it?
