Lesson 25: Continual Reflection

As I have progressed into my thirties, I have noticed that more and more of my friends and acquaintances have really developed their opinions about important and serious matters, while I have mostly sat on the sidelines, feeding into my non-confrontational nature by avoiding posting anything on social media that would render any backlash. Also, it's like people-watching on the internet level: I just want to see what others have to say about whatever it is and read the debates that stem from it. I consider myself to be somewhat politically apathetic, despite others having stressed the importance of keeping up with what is going on around me and knowing where I stand. It's like people who are smokers, and they know how terrible it is for them, but they continue anyway. Or people who make unhealthy food choices to where it significantly affects their weight and overall well being, but continue to make the same life choices. We all know it's bad, and sometimes what other people say to change it serves as an extra push to change, but sometimes we really couldn't give less of a fuck what everyone else says. It's a fine line... depending on who the "advice" is coming from and how it's presented.

Luckily, my fiance enjoys constantly educating himself on local, national, and world news and so if there is something I need to know, he will gladly present it to me. I think he tries to keep it objective when relaying the information and gives me his opinion on it afterwards... but being the more naive one on this matter, I don't really know if it's making me more liberal than I would be if he hadn't told me. (Side note: Facebook has a setting on your political affiliation based on your activity. Mine is moderate. His is apparently very liberal, lol.) He says that his reason behind constantly reading his CNN & NPR news apps is that he wants to remember all the big events that go on in his lifetime and generation; to know that he was a part of it. He wants to remember not only the importance of very notable events (e.g. 9/11, when Obama was elected as our first black president, when gay marriage became legal, etc.), but also the small events that had led up to these momentous points in history. Although we have addressed our differences, he has never pushed me to agree and take action on the same level as he does.

But I guess he doesn't really have to. He does have a point, and I already look up to him, so his actions alone are enough to shake my normal thought processes and take at least a small step to relieve some of my ignorance.

The main reason for my post is to reflect on my own perspectives up to this point in my life as a 34 year old American female with Filipino roots. Throughout the years, people are constantly picking up new information on the same overarching topics. So something I could have believed in college could have now changed after being exposed to different scenarios or any new information that has refined that viewpoint into what it is now. Maybe 10 years from now, my perspective on this same topic could change again. This is kind of a benchmark post to see what any differences are whenever I come back to it. Also, writing has always been a solace for me; a place I can organize all my thoughts into coherent paragraphs rather than just speaking nonsense or in circles. Yeah, it's public, but seriously, ain't nobody gonna read my shit anyways, lol.

Legalization of Marijuana

This is a topic I have struggled with over the last maybe 5 years or so. Growing up with a strict Catholic mother, "drugs" were always "bad." In elementary school, D.A.R.E. taught us "drugs are bad." Generally speaking, yes, I still agree. Heroin, cocaine, meth... that shit will fuck you up and is completely unnecessary. For most of my adult life, I have put weed into that same category, and it was the thing sucked out all the ambition from those potheads in high school who just grew up to be deadbeats. At least, that is what was in my head. Don't smoke weed. Drugs are bad, mmkay.

My last ex-boyfriend smoked pot pretty regularly... maybe 2-3 times per week. He didn't tell me until a few months into the relationship because he "didn't know how I would react." I was not okay with it. It's illegal here, for crying out loud. It was almost a deal breaker. He compromised and just said he would never do it around me. I wasn't really okay with that either, but I couldn't force him to do something he didn't want to, so we just didn't talk about it much from there on out. His close friend smoked, too and was 100% for the legalization of it. Anyway, we broke up.

It was that relationship though that really opened my eyes as to how common it was. But no one I knew had ever openly admitted to me that they smoked probably because either (1) I didn't hang out with many people who did, or (2) they could just tell I was pretty much a goody-goody and decided it was better to leave that little detail out.

Since then, I have revisited the topic of marijuana multiple times, and turns out that it is a very unique substance. The chemicals contained in the cannabis plant do not necessarily need to be modified in a lab to provide the desired effect, but the "desired effect" can be either straight euphoria, or a treatment for insomnia, anxiety, PTSD, epilepsy... among other things. As a pharmacist, I took a few CE credits on new information about cannabis and found it interesting that pharmacists in Colorado have consulted colleagues and patients on various dosages and dosage forms to treat specific medical ailments. On the contrary, the CEs also talked about what dosage forms may NOT be appropriate for treating certain conditions.

Another thing that I find interesting is that there are no reported deaths due to cannabis alone. That is not to say you will never go to the ER for supportive treatment, but so far, reports from the DEA and drugabuse.gov show that there are no confirmed reports to date.

With alcohol being legal -- despite numerous deaths from alcohol alone, and long-term consequences such as liver failure -- it made me think about why cannabis was ever made illegal in the first place. Apparently it was just a part of a political agenda and lumped in with all the other drugs.

With all this being said, all reasoning would point to me turning a complete 180 and say yes, I accept that marijuana should be legalized, and I accept that it is okay for people I know and love to use it recreationally because I don't need to worry about it killing them. However, when it comes down to actually seeing someone I really care about smoking a joint, I can't accept it at all. The mentality that this is still an illegal substance where I live and that it should not be used is so deeply ingrained in me that I have not been able to overcome it. I want my emotions to be consistent with my reasoning, but no matter how many times I have been exposed to a situation where I come close to seeing someone I love in the act of smoking weed, I immediately break down and become angry, betrayed, and alone in how I feel.

To be continued...
Abortion
Education
Guns

Lesson 24: Intentions and Actions

I read somewhere once a list of things you need to know as an adult, and one of those things said something along the lines of, "As an adult, intentions don't matter. Actions are more important." I cannot come up with enough instances where that holds true. If you've been meaning to do something, what is stopping you from doing it right now? If you are reading this blog, you've got time to do something you've been meaning to do.

It it someone's birthday today, and you haven't said, "Happy birthday" to them yet? Call or text or Facebook the person right now. Or go see them in person. Have you been meaning to work out today? Get up out of your chair and go put on some gym clothes. You're at least one step closer, and once you're done for the day, you're done for the day. Just had a job interview yesterday and didn't mail or email your interviewer a Thank-You letter? Open up your email in a new tab and get to it right now.

As small as these things may be, these actions, left as intentions, could leave you with a disadvantage. So it's your spouse's birthday and even though you had something planned another day, you meant to say "happy birthday" today and forgot? Dog house (especially if your spouse is your wife). You intended to work out today, but you just got too lazy and then you see a picture of your ex on Instagram and he/she has been working out and looks hotter? Damn. And you intended to write a Thank-You letter to your interviewer, but it slipped your mind and you ended up not getting a second interview because your other competitors had the same credentials as you, but did that small extra step? Sucks to lose out on a great opportunity due to something that small. 

Actions shape the perception of a person. A good person can be perceived as not so great because of their actions, even with good intentions. Of course if the series of intentions are consistently not followed up with actions, unfortunately that person is perceived as "a dreamer and not a do-er" or "a bullshitter" or as someone always making empty promises. 

If you've meant to do something big for a long time, like go back to school, start small. If you have to, schedule a time for yourself -- like a couple of hours a week -- to just research colleges, ask questions, figure out your budget, sign up for courses. Eventually you'll just get into the flow of things and before you know it, you'll be done. Going back to Lesson 23, ask yourself, "Will I regret not doing this?" If so, do it, and there isn't a better time than now. Otherwise, you won't want to look back at your life 30 years from now and say, "I meant to go back to school" not have anything to show for it.

Lesson 23: Seize the moment

I'm currently listening to the 90's Pop Hits station on my Pandora and "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" came on just a few minutes ago. Of course I know all the words. That made me think of a time several years ago when I was out with a bunch of friends at a bar with live music and a dance floor: The band played covers all night, and before the next song, they asked if anyone in the audience knew all the words to the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", and to come up to the mic if they did. People around me knew I did, and they urged me to go up there but I didn't because I was too shy to. Instead, some hesitant chick went up there and didn't know half the song. I could've anhihilated that song. When am I ever going to have another opportunity to do that?

It also makes me think of another time earlier this year. I did the Tough Mudder with a team of about 16 people, with me being only one of three girls. At the end right before the last obstacle, which is composed of basically a mud pit and dozens of hanging electrical wires, the announcer stopped the whole team and asked us to all go through it together. Mind you, there were a few hundred family members and friends on both sides of the obstacle shouting in excitement, marking the near-end of achievement and refreshments and showers and rest. The announcer shouted into the mic, "3... 2... 1... GO!" And everyone ran through it... except me. I'm the loser that went around because I'm scared of getting shocked. And that's the last Tough Mudder I ever intend on doing.

Sometimes I let myself down. For times like these, I need to learn to think to myself, "Will I regret not doing this?" If the answer is yes, suck it up and fucking do it. Your fears confine you. Learn to think that it's about the bigger picture, the story of your life, the stories you'll be able to tell and that your friends will be able to tell. It may even prove to yourself that you are capable of so much more than you think.

Many Missed Lessons: Blog revival!

It's been a long time.

I have posted a couple of entries here and there with Google+, but I don't think it'll be the same as what I started here. I've decided that this is a good theme for an ongoing blog and that it's time for a revival. I can't promise that there will be daily posts, but writing has always been therapeutic for me and after a long hiatus, it's time to come back.

Since my last post, here are some major events that have happened in my life (not necessarily in chronological order):

• Graduated from pharmacy school
• Completed a 1-year General Practice Residency at Mayo Clinic
• Obtained a full-time position as Assistant Pharmacy Manager at a well-known and respected local grocery chain
• Got out of a 7-year relationship and recently ended a 2.5-year relationship
• Moved out into an apartment for a year
• Moved out of the apartment and bought a house
• Bought a new car (2014 Mazda CX-5)
• Ran my first half-marathon in Vegas and raised money for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America
• Visited family in the Philippines
• Started attending a rapidly growing non-denominational church

I can't tell you how many lessons I've learned since then, and I know that I have changed and matured since the last time anything was posted. But my most recent lesson has been this: My accomplishments have merely been steps towards living the American Dream, but I still do not feel fulfilled. I know that I am capable of doing almost anything I want, as long as I put effort into it. When I set a goal, I can usually reach it. I have proved it to myself time and time again. But I just move onto the next thing, then the next thing and the next... and now I feel like I am here right where I need to be, but something is still missing. That's when I asked myself, Is it God?

 

That is one of the reasons why I have looked back into going to church, hoping to seek those answers. I have been attending this new church for a few months now, but have yet to join a disciple group or become active. I grew up Catholic and this is still new to me... but I am open to new experiences-- just scared to push myself right over the edge into them. I am hopeful and doubtful at the same time... I know God doesn't disappoint, but I can't shake the feeling that he will until something happens.

When you're younger, it's easier to make connections. You've got school, work, extracurricular activities, hobbies. Young people generally seem more willing to meet new people or try new things. At my age now, people are more interested in cultivating the relationships that they have already established, but I am still willing to make new connections. I hold dear to the friends that I have kept in touch with over several years, but it's different now. We grow and sometimes have less in common than what we used to. People move away, start a new job somewhere, join the military. I remember being able to call people at 3am if I wanted/needed to, but now people have to get up early, go to work, take the kids to school. It gets lonely sometimes. 

But they say you are where you are because of you and the choices you make. I find that mostly true. I guess the only solution would be to keep moving, keep opening up opportunities to make new connections and experience new things. Hopefully I can find something that will make everything worthwhile.

Lesson 22: Communication across age groups

As we progress through life, often times we forget what it was like during a previous stage. I find that to be what makes it difficult speaking to people who aren't in your age group. When you're older, you want younger people to know what you know; to see it how you see it; but communicating that information usually comes out as a lecture that the recipient doesn't care to hear. It works the other way around as well: younger people usually don't understand why parents have certain rules.

A recent example of this happened just a few weeks ago when a friend of mine told me she was never going to "brag" about her kids. She said this because lately, other parents have been comparing her to their kids and their accomplishments and she ends up annoyed and does not want to be "that" parent when she gets older. I understand how irritating it can be when a parent says to me, "My daughter was valedictorian. What about you?" But part of being a parent is also being proud of your children's accomplishments, although it does not necessarily encompass blatant comparisons to other children. Every parent goes through that stage of showing everyone the video of their baby's first steps, their daughter or son winning this or that, getting into whatever college, etc. Even though a lot of people don't give a shit, you just want people to be happy for you for the most part. I don't think my friend sees it that way. Not yet, at least.

I can see how frustrating it will be for me as a parent trying to convey life lessons to a fresh palette. But I guess part of life is experiencing those lessons yourself instead of merely hearing about them.

I will always admire the people who can effectively communicate with people across different age groups. I know it's something I will always have to be conscious of in order for me to become that person.

Lesson 21: ?

On an angry note:
People don't have shitty characters because of their wrongdoings; people have shitty characters because they don't admit them.


On a contemplative note:
Ever notice that the word "ass," when used by itself, is a noun... but when you use it after an adjective, it becomes part of that adjective, usually to say something derogatory?

Examples:
"Get your lazy ass over here!"
"Stank ass bitch."
"I don't want your crazy ass mom in my house!"

You could do without saying the word "ass" in most of those sentences, but the addition of it brings a little spice to the sentence and gives you a little more insight as to how the person really feels about what they're saying. That is... unless they use profanity as part of their normal, everyday vocabulary.



Oldie but goodie.

Lesson 20: From School to Practice

It's weird to see my brother weak. It does hurt, but I try not to dwell on it and have it plastered and glowing all over my whole body like my mom does. Save some face in front of people in the hospital, jeez. Doesn't make things any better for anyone.

So apparently my brother is experiencing an exacerbation of his ulcerative colitis: a condition in which your colon/rectum is inflamed, which causes you to have uncontrollable, frequent diarrhea. He's had a high fever over the past weekend, with abdominal cramps that are 8-10 on the pain scale, and an extremely bothersome stiff neck. When he told me the other day he had a stiff neck, I immediately asked him if he was sensitive to light and he said no. Hallmark symptoms of meningitis: fever, nuchal rigidity (stiff neck), and photophobia. After that, I had doubts that it was meningitis because usually the symptoms appear suddenly within 24 hours and the neck thing was probably caused by him lying down on his pillows for the whole weekend.

At the hospital, I watched and listened to the doctor interviewing my brother about what was going on. It was interesting to watch because we've basically been learning these interview techniques for the past year. He asked the pain scale -- in which we pride ourselves on if we remember -- and after my brother mentioned the stiff neck, the doctor followed with the question, "Do you have any sensitivity to light?" (Point for Cristina!) Then as my brother started to describe in detail how his neck felt, with tightened muscles that went from the back of his head, down his neck and across part of the back of his shoulders, I whispered under my breath, "Tension headache." When the doctor gathered the information, he told my brother that he was assessing for meningitis but he doesn't think that's what it is, and that he wasn't too worried about the neck stuff because it's probably just a tension headache (2 points!!!!!!) due to stress. After some other information was exchanged, the doctor stepped out of the room and I said, I SO SMART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST PHARMACIST EVAAARRR!!!!!!!!!1

In my head, of course.

Dude, I don't know why it's such a good feeling to me when I experience the applicability of things we learn in school to real life. So valuable. I love it.

Lesson 19: Brainwashed

Pharmacy school has embedded into my head an entirely new perspective on different aspects of the food and drug industry. I am very hesitant to recommend any products that are not FDA-approved and I have grown extremely critical of health claims made by my friends that I have not personally come across and evaluated myself.

Here's an example: a few weeks ago, my best friend and I were at IHOP talking about what we put in our coffee, and I told her that I try to stick to Splenda instead of using table sugar. She told me that she doesn't use Splenda because it's a neurotoxin. Right after she said that, I probably failed trying to hide the biggest look of skepticism on my face. I really held myself back from saying, "That's a bunch of bullshit. Where did you get that information from?" So the other day, I went on a PubMed search to look for specific articles in peer-reviewed journals and used the key words "Splenda" and "neurotoxin." I couldn't find anything proving it was a neurotoxin. I then gave it the benefit of the doubt and typed "Splenda" and "toxicity" and I actually read the toxicity profile.

One thing I found was about a chemical called 6-CG, which has already established literature on its neurotoxicity. Although sucralose (Splenda's chemical name) has a metabolite 4-CG, which is similar in chemical structure to the neurotoxin, it itself has not had any reports of neurotoxicity whatsoever. In fact, none of the sucralose metabolites have shown any neurotoxicity.

I gave into my inner nerdiness and even looked at thetruthaboutsplenda.com and researched the article that they claimed to support the belief that Splenda is somehow bad for you because it's not "natural." I could pick the article apart right now, but I will spare you all the boredom. I would've also given it more credibility if it wasn't funded by the Sugar Association, Inc., which is also in charge of the website. And to think that they tried to make us believe this was really an independent study.

See how bad it is? I'm relying more and more on hard, scientific justification for any claims I ever hear, especially if they're health-related. I have to admit that this is beginning to affect the way I think in general now, as I am putting science on a much higher pedestal than before... almost like I won't believe it until I see it. Sometimes I don't know if I'm being smart or just being stubborn.

Lesson 18: Working in groups

This past week has been a wild one so far. Lately it seems I've been having more of those, especially from the start of my 3rd year of pharmacy school. We've had an enormous increase of exposure to working in groups this semester, and through this, I've learned a lot more about myself and how to work with people.

I generally think of myself as someone who is quite passive when it comes to being in groups, usually accepting the ideas of others. My last and current group really tested my skills in that area. The last group I was involved in consisted of members that I intuitively did not trust because I perceived them as "slackers," although I tried -- at first -- to not let that judgment get in the way of being able to work as a team. I discovered that one of my group members did not contribute at all to the job he was entitled to doing, so I was the one who took initiative to pick up his slack. We had to stick with our same group working on two different assigned cases, and with the second case, I did not trust that my group would do the amount of work that I thought was sufficient to get the grade that I wanted, so I took it upon myself to do most of the work for them. We all knew in the back of our heads that I was doing this because I did not trust them to do it, so during the evaluations, I don't really know what kind of score they gave me, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was low because of this.

My current group turned out to be quite the opposite; karma came around and kicked my ass. One of our group members basically took upon the same role I did in the previous group, although I believe she was much more controlling... but who knows; I could be biased. All of our group members complained behind her back about how insignificant it was to argue over the words "can" and "proposed," how she seemed to never accept others' ideas unless it was her own, and how she constantly changed the parameters of our project when we thought we had already come to a consensus. I was extremely stressed out about this and I finally took it upon myself to write an email to her on behalf of the group, which at first, she did not take very well. I consulted with others before I sent the email to make sure it was not too harsh, and they told me that it actually seemed pretty civil. I replied to her response in a private email, explaining that my previous email was not intended to be taken the way it was and that I was only trying to provide her with constructive criticism. She responded back with thanks and appreciation, wishing that I would've addressed it more nicely in the first place (which I didn't think was harsh at all in the first place), and mentioned that she actually likes me very much and that she is working on bettering herself. She also mentioned that she has respect for people who speak up on behalf of those who can't or won't and that she was actually taken aback that someone had actually stood up to her because that usually doesn't happen... heh.

The one thing she said though that I really took away from it all was this:
"Thank you for speaking up and letting me know how you feel, it says alot about your character"

Since pharmacy school, I have been feeling like my character has been deteriorating somehow, even if it may not be true to the perceptions of others. I feel as though I'm learning how to be fake to people when we are taught how to be empathetic, although I don't want to be that way and I don't want others to think that of me. For my group member to imply that I have a great moral character truly helps assure me that I am still the person I see myself to be... and it makes me feel really good about myself.

[insert feelings of happiness here]

I am a dork. =P But I am happy that I did what I did. Now I know how it feels to be on both sides. I just wish situations like this would always end well.

Lesson 17: My inner thoughts

I've been kinda sad lately. Well... more like disappointed in myself. For one, I'm about to start my 3rd year in pharmacy school and I feel like I should know way more than I do right now. I also feel like I still have to work on some personal issues, like knowing how to say no at work. I grasped it at one point, but then I lost it again... I also feel like I've become way more passive than I used to be. Things that bother me or annoy me, I just brush off and do nothing, but it's still stored in the back of my mind so whenever the problem arises again, there's tension there and I just try to hide it instead of confronting it. It's a horrible habit to develop and I know I need to reverse it... the problem is doing it. They've taught us how to be assertive in school -- why can't I apply it to real life? It's a thin line between being shady/fake and being obnoxious or rude. I've just gotta be honest without disrespecting others.

Well there is one thing I should know and apply to my life: that the truth can hurt sometimes, no matter how much you sugar coat it. I remember in high school, I learned that if there's anyone you have to be 100% honest with, it's yourself. I think maybe that's one thing I've grown to forget. If it bothers me, I can't keep putting it off because everyone knows that suppressed feelings build upon themselves until one day, God knows what you'll do to someone or something. But what do you do when you want to be honest with yourself by telling someone things that bother you about them, but you sacrifice that honesty with yourself by holding it in because you know that person takes easy offense to things? In other words, you don't tell them the truth because you're afraid it might hurt them. That is one issue that has been bothering me for a while now, because even if I begin a statement as, "Look, I'm gonna tell this to you as a friend..." It doesn't matter. Sometimes, I don't think this person gets it. If I'm mad at her, it doesn't mean I want to drop her as a friend. We've known each other long enough not to sabotage the relationship for something petty.

I think that is one issue that needs resolving before I work on issues of my self-esteem. How does my self-esteem, my confidence, start disappearing on its own? The mind is truly a powerful thing, because once I believe I can't do one thing, I start to imagine myself not being able to do other things and from there, it's just a downward spiral. At one point in my life, I believed I could do anything I wanted. What happened to that? I need it back.

I also feel like the things I think about are not as... mature(?) as the rest of my age group. When I was in high school, people told me that I think too much about things, but I loved analyzing situations and talking to people and listening to people, because (not to be cocky) I thought I was a smart cookie and that I was good at that kinda stuff. But it's like once I hit my early 20's, I started plateauing and everyone started to catch up to the things I thought I was more advanced in... then people started surpassing me. I'm back to being a naive little girl.

...Or maybe just think that because I'm mostly comparing myself to about 300 other overachievers, where you need to be an overachieving overachiever to get any honors or recognition.

I have to figure out a way to get back to that. There aren't any other major problems in my life... all the blocks in Maslow's triangle have pretty much been met except the esteem part, then it's off to self-actualization. So the question is: when do I do something about it?

Lesson 16: The harmonious balance between you and the world

I should really write in this thing more often.

I've noticed that as I get older, the harder it is to find people that I am compatible with. Not everyone shares the same values you do or sees things the way you see things. It sucks more when people -- especially friends -- start getting settled into their ways and block out other feedback from the world.

Every year that goes by, I start to accept myself more and more. But as we start accepting ourselves for who we are and care less about what other people think, our perceptions can shift balance from trying to please everyone to standing rigid to anything that comes our way. My goal is to keep both those views balanced throughout my life... taking into consideration what others' thoughts or feelings may be to keep a harmonious and thought-provoking environment, but also being assertive and standing up for what I believe in without disrespecting others.

I have a friend who often chooses to close herself off to things because of assumptions she makes of what they may be like before she even tries it. Staying that way paves a pattern of thinking that she may retain for the rest of her life and it can bore her a hole of ignorance where she can hide away while everything around her changes. I hope one day she can open up her mind and at least try those new things before declining.

Lesson 15: Wise words from a Publix cashier

I went to Publix today on break to buy sushi and potato salad for lunch. The cashier said to me playfully, "Are you gonna eat your salad with chopsticks too?" I told her that I was gonna go grab a fork back at my store. Then I said, "It is kind of a weird combination though." She shrugged and replied, "It's okay. It's what you like!"

Sometimes when I'm driving with my windows down and the music up, I turn it down when I come to a stoplight. It's kind of embarrassing for me to admit, but I do it because the people in the cars near me may not appreciate being obligated to hear the kind of crap I like to listen to. But who cares? As long as I'm not breaking some kind of sound ordinance law or being inconsiderate while driving in a residential area at 3am, it's alright. It's what I like.

I like two waffles in the morning, one with butter, the other with PB&J.

I like Mean Girls.

I like making sure my feet are clean before I go to bed.

I like the smell of prescription prenatal vitamins.

I like talking to animals, even when they are two cars in front of me.

I like the toilet paper roll to face outwards towards me (especially since the roll is on the opposite wall in my bathroom and you have to bend forward far enough already to wipe).

Many times before, I've caught myself tweaking some of the interests I express because I'm around certain people and wonder too much about what they'll think of me. But Missy at Publix put it in such simple terms that I'm absolutely positive she never even stepped across the notion that she'd given someone such wise, thought-provoking advice. I don't think she thought I'd be a weirdo.

Each year you live life, you realize how short it really is. Don't constantly suppress the small things that make you happy because you feel pressured by what someone else thinks.

Embrace your inner weirdness.

Lesson 14: Music makes the world go 'round

Music: the universally understood medium that breaks all social, economic, & cultural barriers. It's known to grasp the deepest parts of the human soul to uplift, depress, inspire... or to even just make you get down witcha bad self. Sometimes the messages and distinct sounds music puts forth can be so powerful that they leave you immersed in a world encompassing that temporary theme. Visions become tangible. Emotions surface. Reality becomes surreal.

For the past month or so, I have been so inspired by music that I delayed my schoolwork just to listen to it. It's amazing how so many different musicians can portray their own interpretation of their feelings or life's circumstances within their songs and make it sound so good. I've always been inclined to write my own, but it's such a difficult task, so it makes such talented musicians all the more inspiring. One thing I know for sure though: music brings me happiness.

Today, a friend came over and we had our first jam session together. He rocked the acoustic guitar while I sang and played the keys. Our goal this summer is to get good enough to do a few open mic nights, then maybe get signed after graduation and work as part-time floater pharmacists and part-time rockstars as we tour the country. =P But for now, we're just focusing on a few covers to get us into the gist of making music. We got through 2 full songs today, and there are a few more we're planning on doing for our practice next week.

It's exciting to finally make good use of a hobby I've had for so long! Hopefully that excitement will be transposed into work and determination so we can produce some awesome results.

Lesson 13: The Secret Motivation

"If you think you can or can't, you're probably right." -- Henry Ford

Last night, I watched a video called "The Secret Motivation." They revealed a secret that was kept for thousands of years among great leaders about the key to a prosperous life. I'm about to tell you that secret right now. The secret is....

The Law of Attraction.

If you believe and feel something is going to happen, it will happen. It's basically a different way of thinking. Thoughts may not be physical things, but they contain energy and attract everything that you experience in your life, whether you think they do or not. How it happens is not a factor-- how it happens is under the control of the universe. It's somewhat related to Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." When I'm late for work, that's when I hit all the red lights, that's when I get stuck behind all of Florida's senior citizens, that's when a damn goose decides to cross the road. Why? Because I keep thinking about what I do NOT want. The universe does not sense that you don't want it. It only senses the negative energy. If you give off negative energy, you attract negative things.

We often talk about things we don't want or don't like in our lives. If you shift your focus from what you don't want to what you DO want, if you think about it all the time, if you envision it, if you believe it, if you feel it, it will eventually come to you. The things you attract and experience are physical manifestations of your thoughts and feelings. We can almost control our entire lives by using our mind and emotions as a magnet to get us to where we want to be.

There are a few guidelines with this new way of thinking:

• The main two things you need are thoughts and feelings. You can't just set a goal and think about it to be able to have it -- you must feel it, you must believe it and envision it like you already have it.
• When you have distractions or things that make you feel bad, surround yourself with something that leaves you feeling good (e.g. relaxing music, a pet). That way, it will reinforce the good feelings and it will keep you focused on what you want.
• Say things in the most positive way possible. Instead of being anti-war, be pro-peace. Instead of not wanting debt, say you want income. Say you want an excellent presentation instead of wanting to not make mistakes.
  
• Things don't come right away, so don't be discouraged when you don't get them instantly.
• Appreciate what you already have every day.
• You must believe that you deserve what you want.

If you really think about this idea, it's pretty much taught in every religion. If you erase the word "universe" and call it "God" instead, then it's Christianity or Judaism. If you're atheist, "universe" is just fine because there is no higher being described in any of it -- it's just undiscovered science. Steve was just telling me he was reading a Bruce Lee book and everything I was telling him about this video is basically what Bruce Lee was teaching in his book.

Another point is... don't define yourself by where you are right now because that's only RIGHT NOW. "Ugh, my girlfriend left me, my boss wants me fired, I'm $7,000 in debt. My life sucks. I'm such a failure." Where you are right at this moment is a result of your old way of thinking. If you change your thinking now and start thinking positively, get your crap together and keep telling yourself that you can get out of this, you WILL get out of it.

I thought about how it related to me and I came to a realization of both negative and positive results:

• Negative: Ever since high school, I didn't want to be a pharmacist. I had such passion for not wanting to be one that I even wrote poems about it in my Creative Writing class, I wrote diary entries about how much I'm not cut out for it... and here I am, about to complete my second year of pharmacy school.
• Positive: For a few weeks, I've been musically inspired. I learned a new song on the piano, I YouTubed many musicians that made me more inclined to sing and play the piano, and deep down I really wanted to show people how much I loved it. Well... two blogs ago, I was unexpectedly signed up for an open mic night for the first time. How awesome is that?

Yeah, all this may sound like a bunch of garbage... hell, I'm still kinda skeptical. I don't understand it all that much. But saying just that ties into itself: if you don't believe it, it won't work. If you do believe it, it will work. But I'll see if I can give it a try.

Maybe you can too.

Lesson 12: First time in the spotlight -- me, the keys, and my voice.

(Taken from my Xanga.)

Tonight was almost a cornerstone in my life.

After our exam, a bunch of my classmates decided to go out to Dick's Wings at Tinseltown. It was open mic night. I enjoy open mic nights just because I like seeing what kind of local talent there is out there. I had to go home first so Gail and I met up with my classmates later. When I got there, Megan greeted me at the door excitedly and said, "I signed you up!"

Oh ffffaaaack.

I went inside and she was a little too eager to show that my name was written on the list, ending with "pianist extraordinaire." Great. They're way too excited now-- I can't let them down. She only knew I was into music after I posted a song on Facebook. I've never formally sung AND played the piano for a live audience before. (If that's considered formal.)

I was pretty much the last performer (out of 5) so the place had almost completely cleared out by the time I was up, so it helped me a little with my nervousness. My friends were giving me encouraging words and saying things like, "Don't worry, you'll do awesome!" which is something we're not supposed to do in Communications class because it gives the other person false hopes. (What does my professor know anyway.) Michael -- I'm guessing the manager -- was very courteous and friendly and came up to me a few times asking what I'll be playing. I told him I was nervous, that "THEY signed me up," and I named a few songs I thought about playing. He asked me if I would feel more comfortable with someone playing drums and bass, and maybe they could adlib a few things to fit my performance. He didn't know how to play any songs I knew, so we both decided it would be best if it was just me and the piano (*GASP*).

I had to play a few notes to warm up, then I went to play my newly-learned song, "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. I messed up once or twice and had to restart, mostly because the keyboard was out of tune. (I still don't understand how a KEYBOARD could be out of tune.) As I played, I warmed up a little to the keys and the mic and I found that it was a little easier to press things and sing things. My band of groupies stood in front of the piano, but I only saw their silhouettes because the spotlight was aimed directly at me.

The song was over before I knew it and I heard my classmates cheer. They wanted an encore and Megan suggested "that Michelle Williams" song, which I translated into "that Vanessa Carlton" song and it figures we were talking about the same thing... lol. My hands almost glided over the keys that time and my voice was a little more at ease.

The last song I played -- which they also encored for -- was, almost embarrassingly, "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid. Don't get me wrong, I love that song-- I just didn't know if it was what the people in the room wanted to hear. But eh, who else was listening anyway?

I would've played it brilliantly if it weren't for those kids and that dog. The damn keyboard tunage was annoying. I kept wondering if my voice was off key, so when I took a breath before the verse, I listened to the keyboard, and when I sung the verse in tune with the notes, it sounded like I was off b/c of a few keys, but I wasn't. I WASN'T, I tell you! It was the keyboard!

We'll see when the video gets back.

After it was all over, my classmates were congratulating me and individually told me how "awesome" I was, which made me feel really good to know that they thought that. My friend Adam was giving me hints that I should be in the band he's trying to get together this summer. I was flattered. Michael came up to me as I was leaving and he told me I did a great job. "Every Thursday night is open mic night, so you're more than welcome to come sign up again." Very nice guy.

Music for me will probably never be more than a hobby because I don't think I have enough talent to actually make it out in the music business, but that's not to say I can't have fun with it. Doing what I did tonight inspires me to try to be better at what I do and it taught me that I have more confidence than what my little mind thinks.

Lesson 11: Where inspiration comes from

In the wee hours of the night, my boyfriend and I decided to grab a bite at the local Waffle House. It was just past 2am, so I knew the place would be packed with young, drunken -- and hungry -- bar hoppers.

We sat at the bar in the middle of the restaurant right in front of the cooks since nothing else was open. There were about 6 employees, and they all seemed quite flustered. Only two of them were cooking and the rest were... well I really don't know. For the most part, they either stood there, either doing nothing or yelling out orders, or they unproductively paced back and forth.

About 10 or 15 minutes passed by and we still hadn't gotten a chance to place an order. No one even acknowledged us. Finally, I got the attention of a "salesperson" named Harriet. She was an older woman with red, shoulder-length hair and glasses. I asked her if we could order and she told us to hold one second. I watched her as she slowly walked to the register with a disgruntled look, paused, then came back and took her notepad out of her pocket and asked what we wanted. The walk to the register and pausing must have been the second she literally took to get the gears cranking in her nice little wrinkled head. "Oh, order means I write stuff down."

After she took our order -- which was a somewhat awkward moment -- I watched her as she slowly walked towards the register again. I then fixed my attention on the cooks and we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I didn't see any bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuits being cooked. The guy seated next to us came about 5-10 minutes after we did and he had already gotten his full meal. Finally, I got Harriet's attention again. She had to do a walk to the cooks and back a few times before she finally took her notepad out and said, "I'm sorry, I'll have to get your order again."

We eventually got our food and Harriet gave us an early check. I already knew the bill would add up to about $5-6, but it came out to over $10. My boyfriend's order was calculated wrong. We got the attention of another employee to confirm, and she also said it was wrong.

Pay time. My boyfriend asked about the check and Harriet said, "This is actually right... that's how we calculate these now, but I'll just go ahead and take that off..." The other employee I talked to earlier was behind her. We made eye contact and the woman rolled her eyes at Harriet's statement. The re-rung bill came to about $6, as I suspected. Being $4 off is a lot, considering how cheap the food usually is there.

We walked out of there irritated. My boyfriend said, "That lady was really pissing me off. I was really holding it back."

This scene is a learning experience, as much as it was annoying. Obviously employees at Waffle House aren't meant to be world-class, but I've been there several times and have never come across a crew of employees as disorganized as the ones I witnessed last night. It makes me think about where I am now and where I'll be ending up in the next 10 years. I know I won't be looking for a job just so I can have one. I've chosen a career that will give me some free time so I don't have to bust my ass all night by succumbing to the stomachs of drunken college students. I feel reassured that I have a few good brain cells.

I like where I am going to be.

Lesson 10: Setting limits (not the best way)

Today I realized that there are two people I'm not scared of: my parents. Specifically though... my dad.

We got into a fight today and it got violent. It started when he "jokingly" insulted my boyfriend. His humor can be quite harsh, but sometimes he goes too far and someone has to let him know what the limits are. If I would have talked to him like a normal, rational person, and said something like, "Dad, don't say that stuff. It hurts," he wouldn't give a shit and he would continue to insult him in the future. The anger escalated quickly as we yelled at each other back and forth until he got up and shoved me against the wall. I wasn't scared at all. What could he do? Hurt me? Kill me? In the end, it would only leave him feeling incredibly guilty and sorry for what he did.

After the incident, I cried silently. Like I said, I wasn't scared-- I was crying because of the initial hurt he caused me by saying rude things about someone I cared for deeply. I hope that in the future, he knows not to go there anymore. I just wish sometimes my mom would set limits on some of the hurtful things he says to her when he's "joking."

Lesson 9: Things aren't always what they seem

Last night, I re-learned that you shouldn't judge people by who they are associated with. Seems like an easy thing to know, right?

A guy I know has a bad, wide-spread reputation because of his family, especially his mom and sisters. Some of my friends have implicitly out-casted him because of that and people still call him names. He disappeared from the face of the earth for a while and when my boyfriend got into nursing school, turns out this guy was in the class also. I would see him every once in a while, and last time I saw him, he was with his girlfriend who was American, i.e. not within our culture whatsoever. He doesn't seem like a bad person, and even if he did things in the past, it was a long time ago so who knows? He could've changed.

Then it dawned on me: Is he trying to get away from who everyone thinks he is?

My boyfriend said every time he mentions seeing his family out somewhere, he keeps his answers very brief. "Yeah? Cool." Done. He's been out-casted from our cultural community for a majority of his life so maybe nursing is a way of developing a name for himself, independent of his family. Maybe he doesn't date American girls just because he's attracted to them; maybe he also dates them because they aren't involved in the drama.

I know these are all assumptions as well, but it helps me to realize how important it is to know both sides of the story before any conclusions are made. It's just unfortunate that I'm guilty of assuming only one of them.

Another thing I learned: many times people make negative generalizations about others and exclude themselves from it. Don't forget to look in the mirror before pointing out others' faults.

Lesson 8: Real friends

A few experiences in the past few days reminded of what qualities make up a real friend.

Two days ago, one of my classmates called and said she needed to talk to someone about personal problems. She's originally from another part of the state so just recently moving into this city and the fact that we have distance education (i.e. more isolation) make it somewhat unfavorable for a newbie. "I know we're not that close, but I really need a friend right now," she said. I listened to her story and although I didn't know much about her personal life, obviously there weren't many other people she could count on, so I felt it was my duty to be there for her in a time of need. She also said to me, "It's nice to be assured I have friends around here." It feels good to know that someone understands and appreciates the help you provide them with. The tough part is being consistent.

Tonight was my boyfriend's birthday celebration. It was only meant to be a handful of people, but the turnout was less than expected. At the end of the night, he told me he was upset that only two people from his class showed up. "After everything I've done for them, after they made you cry because of so many nights staying up studying so late, I ask them to show up one time for my birthday and they didn't come. What a bunch of assholes."

I already knew that it gets tougher to make friends when you get older, but not this tough. You think they're your friends... but maybe it's just convenience. Hey, you're here, I'm here too, so let's hang out. Maybe it's just for their benefit. You're studying? I'll study with you so we can both ace this exam. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, who will volunteer to stay when you are in need? Who will give back when they don't have to? Who are your real friends?

Lesson 7: Hidden musical treasure

Sorry for not blogging for the past two days because I know all you readers out there are so eager to read my entries.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a new musical artist. Her name is Sara Bareilles, and she's a singer-songwriter who plays the ivory keys while soothing you with a slightly deeper, soulful set of pipes. Her hit single "Love Song" has been out since last year but I just recently heard it and fell in love with it. Her style is poppy, jazzy, and somewhat funky and I really dig it.

I love finding new artists out there I really enjoy, especially when they haven't quite made it mainstream. It's like finding treasure no one knew was there until you tell somebody and all of a sudden, you're realize you're rich. I discovered Marie Digby about two or three months ago and I don't think she's had a debut on MTV yet. I found her sitting in her solid #7 spot on YouTube's Most Subscribed Musicians and realized that she's got a real talent for not only playing the guitar and the piano and singing, but for writing songs that would appeal to the public ear.

It's amazing how powerful a tool YouTube is for aspiring musicians, film-makers, artists or anyone else in the world that wants to be heard. It's still about the public opinion though, so even if you make a ton of videos trying to get noticed, you may never be discovered by someone in the industry if no one likes watching your stuff.